I'm now a member of The Missing Americans Project

[Lisa Schwark Mullineaux]

I took some time last night to look through most of the people who are missing.  It made my stomach hurt but I continued.  There are so many people.  Which means so many families that are suffering.  I noticed also that from the ones I seen they are just beginning their journey into diving into the unknown.  31 years gone, who would of thought, one quick trip to get a boat out of dry dock would be the last time you were seen.  When I looked at some of the listed people, many started this journey in 2016.  Their first year.  Oh, I remember the first year so vividly.  My family had to take time in our own way to grasp the situation. Shock, anger, disbelief, sadness, fear, suspicious, the knot in your belly gets stronger, and it gets harder to breathe, but you have to keep going.  What's sad about all of this, what you feel in the beginning, you will feel after 1, 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30.  I hate to have to tell that, but In my case, it is.  I hope the family gets their DNA in the system as soon as possible. I remember when my father got "The" call, a mass grave had been found in Florida.  They wanted to test my dad's DNA with the bones.  We waited for the return call, one part hoping it wasn't him, and the other half thinking it's got to be him.  We had 2 problems here.  There was a mass grave, so Tony, or possibly other families will get news of their loved one.  Their loved one could go be coming home, their remains, or a part of you hoping it's not them, because then it's over, your hope stays in the balance.  You have to decide right there, If it's their remains we bring them home and give them a resting place.  The Missing status changes.  A whole new group of emotions come, when?  How? , however like our family, when we were told no match, we were let down, a few bones is better then nothing at all. Yet your mind plays tricks with you still, ok, not him which means he's still out there, he may or may not be dead but no body your basic primal instinct says there is still hope he's alive.  Yet, day after day, month after month, then year after year, you begin to battle hope, you get angry at hope, that hope has the answers to our questions.  Yes we grieve on their birthday, we grieve all holidays and get togethers for the family, because there is something always missing.  How many times did you wish for your loved to come home when you blew out your candles?  How many times have you dropped to your knees in prayer?  Time passes and it's still hard to breath, it's always on your mind, Grandma dies, the first death in the family since post missing Tony.  My mom's mother.  See what makes this so hard is, in 1975 we were traveling back from a family reunion there was 6 in the car, when a drunk driver crossed the center line and hit us head on.  Everyone was critical condition.  My mother, she didn't make it.  She died.  We are still very close with my mom's family and now Grandma dies.  Certainly is Tony was in hiding he would come out for this.  No, they don't.  Then Grandpa Brooks dies, my mom's dad.  Certainly if he's out there and knows, he will come.  No, they don't.  And this up and down of knowledge, emotions, fear, anger, still reside inside your heart.  I often wonder if it will ever beat again.  Closing for now.  I will be back.

[Lisa Schwark Mullineaux]

I rarely see people here.  Where is everyone?